I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
