didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
