FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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