Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He shit in the fireplace
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