I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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