Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
