ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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