I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
be right there i have to get my cape
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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