I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I faked an abortion last night.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
