Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My life is pants optional.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
