I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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