Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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