im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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