it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
