so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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