Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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