dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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