Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
