My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Your topless pictures make me question reality
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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