Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
