I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
