i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
