im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
