do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
