My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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