I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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