if i can run in heels then i can drive
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
