My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
