I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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