I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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