Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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