I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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