how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
