Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
