The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
