I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
