Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
