this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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