My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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