I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
