Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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