you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
