So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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