Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
