Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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