Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm too high and old for this...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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