just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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