I think I died a long time ago.
just tell him i said nine months
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
