I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
