see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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