Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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