I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
