Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
