I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
