We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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