i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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