my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
