My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize