The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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